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I can’t believe it, it’s almost there! After all the time passed, the day after tomorrow, I’ll go to Finland. The longest flight I’ve ever have for around 15 hours from Jakarta, Indonesia to Amsterdam, Netherland. After that, for 4-5 hours, I’ll be transferred to another flight from Amsterdam to Helsinki, the capital city of Finland, then followed by travelling by bus, from Helsinki go westward to Turku. There, I’ll meet my supervisor bro-fessor, Prof. Parvez Alam.

You probably wondered how’s my feeling just right now…

My answer: Between nervous, afraid, and so happy…

Perhaps… writing all of this article, I put a lot of my prayers in it. How so?

Let me explain to you, one by one. I feel nervous, because… first and the main reason, it’s my farthest flight I’ve ever had, at night, and I also carrying my samples in my baggage, some mudskippers for my doctorate thesis. It’s all in my imagination, I know, what if they took it from me? What if they have to hold me in security for some time? Another thing is… I’m kinda acrophobia. I height the feel of falling by height. I love plane, you know? Putting these 2 together is paradoxical. Perhaps in my way, aside of trying to sleep, I’ll playing by myself by pretending as a pilot. That’s my favourite stuff. But then… I hate turbulence! My point is… I feel nervous of what might happen on the journey. I trust in God, for sure.

I feel afraid… because I hate uncertainty. Fortunately, I’ve grown and learn a lot since my undergraduate time. Before my departure, I acquired both gift and loss. Gifts, aside my scientific community, Xenobiota rose and its sound reach more connections from some students in Makassar, in University of Hasanudin to the ear of Hackteria director, Dr. Marc Dusseiller in Swiss, to CEO of Biofaction, Dr. Markus Schmidt. That’s the best achievement so far in term of scientific community and that occurred only less than 1 year! Later, I published 2 papers in one year! Next thing and the most important one, I have new girlfriend (name is hidden for now, until she told her parents then it’ll be okay), she’s caring, she’s as crazy as me, she’s talented, we talk less daily because we both busy with our own academical and scientific routines… but we talk in our own pattern. I love her so much. And for my loss, my parent divorced. Now my siblings are living with my dad. When I go, I will be away from them… my family and the young lady (I prefer to mention her by this, she’s no longer a little girl) that I love. I know that 9-10 months is long, but I believe it will be short.

Again, I hate and afraid of uncertainty. But I always put them in my prayers… my family, myself, and her… as my loved one. I prayed so hard, that they will be okay. And especially for her… I wish that one day in 3-5 years from now, I wish that I can marry her. Aameen to God. Other thing is, although I’m quite ambivert, I have extrovert side (that sometime can be annoying when I’m starting to share my problem in motor mouth). In a country as big as Finland, it’s only 5 millions of population in there. I’m afraid if I will be lonely. And lonely is my enemy, when I’m alone… I tend to be overthinking, and my mind will be truly chaos… and dark. I wish in an instant, I will meet new friends, and I mean it… friends. Those who I can share my problem with, not just the matter of hangout and for happy time. I’ll need that. A lot. Sleeping with my head full of questions is a nightmare.

Primal fear… a lot of story of my friends who lost their parents while they’re studying abroad. It’s a paranoia fuel… but all I can do is pray, and tell them to take care of themselves. For the rest, it’s all in my prayers.

Next, I’m afraid if I can’t make it for funding until next year. I really want some fundings for our researches in here, from European or Asian, or global fundings and scholarship… anything… anything but from my own country. I know Prof. Parvez always remind me to be open minded, but defeating my reluctance… and probably unexplained hatred for government and their affiliates in my country. Perhaps because they ignoring some scientists in here and from time to time, all I heard is corruption in bureaucracy, leachers and plagiarisms, I know there are good people… thus I believe, there’s something I hold really strong so then I refused to go for Indonesian scholarship, although I wish to try in time. Will I? I started to pissed when they heard that the university should be in top list. My university in Finland is not on their list. A person I know was saying that I have to go to the list of the best university. But for God’s sake… I go to Finland and trust on it, because my professor is proven to be really qualified and very open minded! I planned to make bigger link, even to that top universities in the world, so then they will say nothing more to me. I know, listening to all people are bad. Thankfully, I feel confidence on my move. My next moves between 2016 to 2020.

And then… I feel happy… of course! One of my deepest prayer in answered! I always wanted to go abroad to study. Learning a lot after passing “The Period of Great Learning” (Sept 2014 to Sept 2015), I want to make a massive network of international research, expanding Xenobiota, and making new network with chefs throughout the globe, starting in Finland! I will make a cool robot in the lab with Prof. Parvez and his team, meet new awesome scientists, outside… new cooks, new chefs. And probably I can learn to collect edible mushroom in the forest! I will cherish my moment, and I want to go to Japan in 2017, and to attend on Bio Fiction (probably in Vienna, Austria) in 2018. Japan… because it’s been my lifelong dream, aside of my current prayer so my girlfriend will be graduate soon and claimed her master degree in Nara, Japan, I wish to meet a scientist who’s become a wonderful contributor of my papers in Kagawa. Then, I want to learn about their cultures, their foods (I’m not an otaku… I’m a culture enthusiast), and I want to learn about how they raise their plants (melons, mangoes, and more). They have… special treatment on how they grow their foods and I wish to know their secrets. While in Europe… well, Europe is a core of ancient cultures in medieval. In Paris, I wish to visit the renown and legendary alchemist’s house of Nicolas Flammel! May I found something there? I’m curious!

You know… aside of my fear, all darkness in me… I still carry my child-self in me. Who think I’m a supreme overlord scientist, a wizard, and more. I carry my imaginations in me. All I wish, is when the time is come for me to go home and meet my family, then marry my girlfriend… I have tons of story to tell about. A new legend to share. Honestly, after married, we’re not intended to have a child directly after that. We want to walk and travel. Only then, the story of us will be matured.

All of these… are my loudest prayers and hope.

All I want is inner peace, not a spotlight. Let my thoughts and my masterpieces will be, but not me. Not my individual me. I want to sit down, enjoy my meal, while reading some trends in science… and culinary stuffs in a quiet cafe.

For those who think that all of these are idealistic bullshit and daylight wet dream… all I can say is go fuck yourself.

I believe what I want to believe. And I’ll be there to make my dreams, our dreams come true.

Bismillah… by the name of Allah…

All that can’t be spoken loudly in the air, will be whispered in the silence of prayer.

PS: After today, my blog articles… in both The Hungry Biologist and in here, can be both in English or Bahasa Indonesia for wide or specific audiences.

THB-Indonesia-Finland

-AW-

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4 Comments

  1. Good luck Dit..enjoy or life there.. God will do the rest..

  2. Today, I met up with friends in the laboratory. They ask about your departure to Finland. I said, tomorrow. Be careful. Everything is arranged by God, and this is the best way!
    Something missing, will be replaced with something better!


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